Rough seas make for green faces...

~Aug. 31, 2002~

Things aren't going well here, dear reader. If you read John or Lizabet's journals, you know what's going on, so I'm not going in to it here. Not at the moment, anyway.

Ok, so I lied... I can't believe this is happening to me. I don't understand it. Am I being punished for having wanted the boys so bad that now I'm being harshly told I won't have more? 'Cause that's how I feel. It was one thing when I was consciously making the decision to have my tubes tied to prevent the risk to my life, but it's totally different when I'm being told that it's no longer an option.

Until the doctor said that, I was just fine with the idea of not being able to have another child, as my boys are more than enough for me. When he said that, I started thinking about having more children. Now, after the 12th, the only way that would be possible is through in vetro, or surrogate, and the first would put me at risk of a multiple pregnancy, and I couldn't stmach the second.

At least my folks will be out here. Well, more than likely anyway. I just need to get an air mattress for them to sleep on in the living room, and we'll be set. Guess that means I really need to clean out my kitchen and fridge before they get here, huh? Well, I've got until the 11th, so should be able to get it done.

I'm numb about it all at the moment. No feelings what so ever, which is probably a good thing considering the vast swings I've had the last couple days. I'm in no way in control of the emotional roller coaster right now, which I don't like, so numb is good.

I was finally able to upload chapter 4 of my story, so I'm pretty happy about that. Now to work on chapter 5 and beyond. It's all in my head, just need to put it down on paper.

Also, I'm gonna be playing around with the design/layout of John's diary since he mentioned it, so if you have any ideas, feel free to drop them by me. Especially if you know html better than me, which is probably a lot of people. :p

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