Rough day all around.

~Sept. 10, 2002~

Had pre-op today. Went well, really. Until it hit me that this is really happening. And that it's really happening to me and not some person on a screen projected inside my head like it's felt like for the last week or so. By the end of per-op, I was beginning to seriously freak out. Still am, though I've hidden it well.

Well, maybe not as well as I'd hoped. I was hideous to the boys, which they didn't, in any way shape or form deserve, and I do feel awful about it. I was so short with them, and they weren't really doing anything wrong. Just being themselves.

I'm suddenly quite afraid. I haven't admitted this before now, and if you were to ask me what it is I'm afraid of, I couldn't exactly tell you. But it's there. Am I afraid of the surgery? Partially, yes. That they'll find more. Am I afraid that I'll no longer be a woman? I was, until my conversation the other night with Bruan. Am I afraid that others will look at me differently? Treat me differently? Think less of me? I don't think so. I just don't know. And that frightens me.

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