Can't think of a good description so I'll just write...

~Jul. 12, 2003~

Frank called last night. He had actually emailed to let me know he was calling to talk to the boys, but I didn't get that until shortly before we ate. To be quite honest, I almost didn't reconnect the phone so he could call and talk. I just didn't want to. I didn't want him to talk to the boys, or them to him. I just want him to vanish from their lives, as they are better off without him. They may not realize that yet, but eventually when they do, I would prefer to save them the hurt and pain that i know they'll go through before getting there.

But I reconnected the phone. And he called while we were eating. J answered the phone again, as he had been up coming back from blowing his nose. I'm seeing a pattern begin here. J gave me the phone, and I than gave it to Tristan to start.

Tristan had just started talking when Jared decided he was going to try and dictate what Tristan would say. And what he was wanting Tristan to say was that Tristan loved J. And to my surprise, and later vast humour, Tristan said it. To Frank. I'm not sure if Frank picked up on it or not, but he never said anything to me about it later. I told J what he'd said, J smacked his forehead than went up to see his dog, Cory, and talk to his mom. I can't help but wonder how much, or even if it all bothers him. Actually, I know it does, because he's told me so. But what he's told me is that he doesn't like Frank for hurting me. As yet, he's not hurt the boys. But the Gods help him if he ever does...

So Tristan talked for a little while, than just handed me the phone. No "Goodbye", no "See you later" just handed it to me and said he was finished. I gave the phone to Jared and than went to brush my teeth.

When I came back, Jared was done, and in the process of saying bye. Tristan than wanted to say bye, so I gave him back the phone. Than Jared decided he wanted to say "I love you, daddy."

And I was suddenly annoyed beyond all reason. Here's Jared, telling basically a complete stranger that he loves him. It made me mad. Frank has never done anything to earn that from them. He had no right to hear those words. All he's been to them, aside from a short visit in December, is a disembodied voice over the phone. I don't talk about him nor do I refer to him as their daddy to them. He's their father, as daddy has to be earned. And he has NOT earned that. Not in the least. He doesn't deserve their love or them calling him daddy.

Afterwards, he and I chatted a bit and he asked if I was living with J. Well, he actually said "this guy", but that's J. I knew it was coming, but had hoped he wouldn't ask. See, on paper we're not, as he has his own place that he does maintain. And on paper, he's not allowed to live with me since he's not my dependent. But we are. I told Frank that he stayed over when he could. Not a lie, but not the full truth, either. I can't tell Frank the full truth, because he'd than turn and use it against me to get me in trouble. Petty yes, but such is Frank.

I've spent the last 3 nights sleeping alone. This is odd considering I have a live in boyfriend, don't ya think? This morning he came to bed shortly before the alarm went off. Yesterday it was 30 minutes before, and the night before it was about 2 hours before. My alarm goes off at 4.

He's been awake playing EQ. Now that doesn't bother me, not really. I'm a bit concered about the amount of sleep he's getting and him being fully functional and not tired, thus not already irritable, when dealing with the boys. He's told me numerous times that he doesn't need much sleep to function, but that's just it. That's all he does, is function. I see him and see him tired, and listen to him complain about being tired, which tells me he's not getting enough sleep. Than he's up all night 3 nights in a row. Just concerns me some...

Than there's that I love sleeping with him. I enjoy being curled up with him and smelling him while I sleep. It comforts me and actually makes me sleep better. He knows that, and will usually lay down with me, but I'll invariably wake up later on and he's gone. It's not quite as fun curling up to a pillow, no matter how strongly it smells of him. It almost makes me want to get down my bear again and curl up with him some nights...

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