After two years of lies, and two years of hell...

~Sept. 19, 2002~

I'm sitting here, and stunned is really the only thing I can think of to describe how I feel. In the course of one lunch hour I've been really happy because I got a birthday present from Patrick that I know I never even mentioned slightly I wanted, but he knew anyway, THANK YOU PATRICK!!!, to a total mix of emotions. Anger, disbelief, shock, suspicion, hope, hesitancy, anger some more, and quite a few others, though most of them on the not-so-happy end of the scale.

Today at lunch I got a card and a letter from the ex. He had found out about my surgery, through a frustrated at the boys blunder of my own, and wanted to wish me well, as well as "bring me up to date" on his life.

Seems recently he was in a car accident with 2 other vehicles, and has been on Worker's Comp, been in physical therapy for various messed up parts, sounded like half his existence, really, and through this life threatening experience, has started to seriously look at his life. He's "realized" that being 30, delivering pizzas, and not having more contact with his kids will drive him insane, as he puts it. He wants to "start over in a sense" and be more open with each other.

And I have no idea what to do. I don't even know if he sounds like he's changed, or is trying to change. And there's part of me that doesn't want to know, part that hopes he has for the boys sake, but most of me just doesn't give a damn. He's given me so many reasons to not trust him, to totally disbelieve him, and to absolutely hate him. My mom honestly thinks that if he had the boys for any length of time, he'd hurt them. Most of me believes that as well because I've seen his temper, and I don't think he's done much, if anything, about it. I just can't even think straight at the moment to even try to think about what to do.

All I know is that I spent two years of my life, excuse me, I feel like I wasted two years of my life with a man that showed me in many ways that I was less important than his being able to smoke dope, than two years of my life trying to regain my own life, and deal with him still trying to hurt me, while protecting two small, and highly innocent children from the same pain and heartache I suffered from.

I feel like yet again he wants me to give him another chance, and I don't think I can. I can't go through the name calling, the belittling, the threats, the nightmares, the obssessive compulsions, the panic attacks, and the general heartache that the last two years have been. I just can't...

No man has ever broken me, nor will they, but he came close. Too close...

Oh, Goddesss, I can't do this again...

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