Life as I thought I knew it has ceased to exist.

~Nov. 14, 2002~

Yesterday and today have seemed to mesh into the longest and quite possibly one of the worst days I've ever known. I feel like my life is shattering around me. That all those I called friend I'm in jeapordy of losing, that there are pieces of me fragmented into some foreign entity that I don't even recognize as myself.

And than I get to work. And all hell is breaking loose there as well. And for a short time, I can pull those pieces together and pretend that I'm the same person I was yesterday or the day before. But it feels like it's someone else. I don't think it was me that talked with the Admiral about the weather for the crippled vessels. I don't feel like it was me figuring out when the worst would hit, and how long it would last and when it would be over and where the ship should go to try and avoid it.

I've been down the hall and back again so many times today to relieve my inards of their burdens I'm surprised there's anything left to be relieved of. I've been up and down the stairs so many times today I had to have lost a dozen pounds or more, as well as getting a terrible case of light-headed vertigo. I feel as though all of this is happening to someone else, that I've been removed and am watching things from a safe distance and through a fuzzy haze.

And now, that all the questions and demands and running up and down the stairs is done, I feel lost.

I think tonight I'll cry.

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