Not the first time...

~Oct. 20, 2002~

Yet again I'm in second place. And I've accepted it. I've allowed it to happen. I had thought that I had learned that lesson with Frank, and wouldn't ever let it happen again, but sure as shit, there it is. Other things are more important than me.

What the hell am I doing? Why can't I get it through my head that I'm better than that, and I deserve better? Why do I keep accepting line after line that's fed to me to get me to believe that this time it'll be different, that this time things will change? Am I some sort of emotionally stunted sadomasochist that can't get beyond all the bullshit in my past?

I've been through years of therapy to deal with it, and move on to bigger and brighter things. Yea, I went from a physically abusive man to an emotionally abusive man to this. I'm so pathetic, and I'm beginning to really disgust myself. Bigger and brighter my ass. I haven't gone anywhere. Just stayed the sad little wuss wanting to be loved. I really am pathetic.

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