Spinning

~Oct. 26, 2002~

A little while ago I felt as though the world was spinning out of control around me and if I lost my grip, I'd fly off the face of the earth. My head felt like it was going to explode from some unseen pressure inside that I couldn't explain. Now I'm blank. Empty. Like that which comprised me was taken out, and what's left is this shell, waiting to be filled again.

I asked Aset and Ma'at for guidance and They were quiet. I can feel Them, though. Their heads are bowed, in sadness or thought I can't tell. But Dejuhti is with me, instructing me. He has assured me that so long as the lesson was learned, things will be well.

Why must I repeat mistakes again and again before I learn from them, I asked Him. It is my nature, He told me. I could change that if I wanted, and worked hard for it, but I wasn't ready for that yet. He said that would mean acceptance of what I am, and that I hadn't fully accepted it yet. He showed me that when I did that, and listened to my inner selves, than I would see things as they truly are and are meant to be.

*sighs* Why must the Ntjr be so criptic? Just once I would like, even love, a straight answer. Especially now when I feel so....lost.

Though at the same time, I'm not. Though I'm hurt, it's not unbearable. I'll live and hopefully I'll learn. And one day, John and I will be friends, because I'm not sure we can be right now. I'm not sure it would be good. For either of us.

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