Wanderings of an idle brain...

~Nov. 01, 2002~

I realized today that I have quite little in common with most of the people here. Well, the ones that I would hang out with if I could. Or did. I don't know right now. Is it a self-imposed sort of exile that my life has become, or is it really due to the boys? But than, that's not really fair, because they haven't done anything wrong.

I just never seem to be able to afford to do anything. Yea, going to someone's house and just hanging out there doesn't cost anything, but if I want to get away from the boys, that means a sitter, and that does cost something. And that's what I can't afford.

So now I can feel a bit of depression around the edges. Just sitting there, gnawing on my consciousness like a rat. *shudders* Slowly eating it's way in.

There's just been way too much going on lately, and I suddenly feel quite overwhelmed by it all. Like when Bilbo says that he feels like butter spread too thinly on bread. That most of it seems to be going on in my head doesn't help much. Nor does it help that my command just seems to hate me all due to circumstances.

Odd, I'm talking about having too much going on, and not having enough friends all at the same time. Though I know they're not altogether related, they're also not altogether different, either. One would help alleviate the other, given that I was able to talk about aspects of the other and not worry that I'll lose my job.

Great Gods above, I just need to be out of this place and somewhere that I feel safe and comfortable in. I need a home. Not a house, not a temporary place that the boys and I will inhabit for a year or two, but a home. Where I can have friends over for dinner. Where I can watch the boys run and play in the yard. Hell, I don't even HAVE a yard. And I'm thinking about getting a dog for the boys. What the hell am I thinking?!?!?!

But than would the dog really be for them? I mean, they'll be 3 in 2 months, so I'd be taking care of it. I don't think it would even sleep with them, as they move and kick so much, the poor thing would end up bruised black and blue.

Or is getting a dog just another attempt of mine to have something in my life other than the boys that loves me unconditionally? *sighs* It always seems to come back to that...

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