Why the hell am I crying???

~Nov. 29, 2002~

Just got home from Chris and Kim's house, not the same Chris with the band, and after a long day at work, and me and the boys all being tired and irritable, they kept acting up and I came so very close to losing my temper. So I packed up the boys, and we came home. Put the boys to bed, and called Chris to apologize for it. Well, both he and Kim said I didn't have to apologize for the boys, but it wasn't them I was apologizing for. They're 3, almost, and don't know better. I'm 30 and do. Kim still wouldn't hear of it, and than went on to tell me that she fully expects me to bring the boys over tomorrow morning at 9 and not be back for them until I'm damned good and ready. And now I'm sitting here balling like a baby.

I can't really tell you why, either. Maybe because someone is being nice to me, maybe because there's finally someone that understands, really understands what I go through on a daily basis with those boys.

See, Kim was once a single mom for almost 3 years with 2 girls really close in age, and knows what it's like. And she just gave me such a gift as only she can understand. A day. A single precious day where I can do things without small hands pulling on me, or tiny voices yelling at me, or hard heads ramming me.

She asked me when the last time I'd been away from the boys, not including work, had been, and it took me so long to answer that she told me "If it's taking you this long to figure it out, it's been too long. You need a lot more than just a day's break, hon."

Than I remembered... It was in February last year when Jay came to visit me in Hawaii, and we went to the big island of Hawaii for the weekend. The weekend when I fucked things up. And that made me cry even more...

Wow, this day has really been a bit of a rollercoaster. Woke up in a good mood, read Ashton's journal and plummeted, went over the Chris and Kim's, prior to picking up the boys and had a blast, picked up the boys and it slowly went down, than skyrocketed further down, than Kim's precious gift and it's ending well. So why the hell am I crying???

I think I need to talk to my doc about my meds... They just don't seem to be doing much good anymore...

~2 Comments?~

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