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~Feb. 12, 2003~

Jared has started calling me Mother. Not mom, or mommy anymore. Mother. Why he's started doing this is beyond me. And I'm not sure I'm overly fond of it. It seems so formal, so stuffy. And I don't want my kids being stuffy with me. That's the last thing I want. And he's suddenly the little policeman of the two. Just yesterday Tristan was in his room for having yelled at me, right in my face, and when he decided he was ready to come out, here comes Jared, ushering him into the living room and telling him to say he's sorry to mother. Aside from the mother bit, it was really cute.

Today's been decent. Though the boys woke up at 5:30, I swear Craig jinxed me yesterday with that, they went down for a nap around 11 fairly easily. Which is good, considering that I'm at work, and don't get off until midnight, so I was able to get a decent nap in. Jared woke up around noon and crawled in with me to sleep another 45 minutes or so, so almost a two hour nap. Not bad at all. I felt better when I got up than I have in awhile. Too bad Craig wasn't around.

I think he's put out with me. We haven't had sex since before the weekend. Ok, that's not fully true, but he hasn't gotten relief. I think he wanted to last night, but I was totally wiped out, and just didn't feel like it. So when he took a shower, I went to bed, and than pretended to be asleep. I sort of feel bad about that, but at the same time, because of what happened this weekend, I didn't feel awful. Than this morning I wasn't receptive to his affections either. Of course, since he was getting ready to walk out the door, I don't think it should have been an issue, but it felt like it was.

of course, maybe if he was a bit more open with me than this might not be an issue at all. Or maybe it would. Maybe I'm closing off to him so that I don't get so hurt when he leaves and forgets about us. Dammit, I wish I could do that for the boys.

That actually really concerns me. How are they going to deal with it when he goes? I know they adore him, but I don't know if he feels the same about them. Hell, I don't even know if he feels like that about me... And with him only being here 2 more months, I can't help but wonder if I should even care...

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