Looooong entry, you have been warned...

~Friday, Jul. 26, 2002~

Well, a couple things, one a mini rant, the other, well...

Yesterday on the way home I almost died. By all intents and purposes I should have. I'm actually a bit surprised something like this hasn't happened before, what with the way the italians drive...

See, I was driving home from work and I could see a guy coming up quickly behind me. Well, I moved over to get out of his way, but he moved as well, and ended up clipping my bumper. This made the car swerve towards the guardrail, but before I could hit it, something yanked the wheel away, and I swear there was something between the car and the railing. The car spun a bit more before slowing down and stopping, facing the wrong way in traffic. Now let me explain something about the roadway I was on... On the other side of the guardrail was nothing. Not for at least 100 feet or more. I know that had I hit it, I would have gone through, and that would have been it. But Aset and Heru didn't let that happen.

So, last night, after getting the boys, which I almost couldn't do, shaking as bad as I was, I just sat. I sat and enjoyed them as I never have before. Watching them play and listening to them laugh. Seeing how they figured things out, and how they put things together.

I also started thinking about other things. Like what's happened with Doug, Andrew and the gang back in Hawaii. And my family. And a whole lot of other stuff. And a lot of things sort of fell into place.

I've spent a lot of time today thinking about it, and thanking Aset for not letting that happen. I would miss my boys terribly. And my mom is too young to outlive her child. And there's so much unresolved with my sister. And Doug thinks I hate him. And John doesn't know how much I care.

I tried to meditate about it last night, but when I sat down and started to, I couldn't stop shaking. It took almost everything I had to calm down, what happened hit me hard hours later. Only time I've felt worse was during a panic attack. I did calm down though, and than just sat and thought.

A friend called from Scotland, and we talked for a bit, but when he was getting off the phone he asked if everything was alright, because I sounded eerily calm, as he put it. I told him I was a bit shaken, but alright. He asked about what and I told him. He couldn't believe I was so calm about it, and I couldn't believe that he was more worked up than I was. Though it did flit through my head that I'd almost been worse a little bit before that.

We hung up after I assured him numerous times that I was alright. Funny thing is that he didn't even ask about the car, and I never thought about it for a minute. I thought about the people in my life that mean the most to me. And how I treat them, and how they treat me, and I wondered if they all knew how much they do mean to me. And I realized that they probably don't. Especially those I've had ill feelings with recently. And that hurt more than the ill feelings.

I don't know fully how many know or even read this, though I do know of a couple, and I want you guys to know that I'm sorry and that I love you dearly. Amanda, I may not always act like it, but I do love you, and I am glad to be your sister. Doug, Andrew, Monica, Robi, Billy, Casie, Kendra, Jordan, I'm sorry for all the hurt that's been flung between us of late. Doug, I do love you dearly, and I value you more than you know. Mom, I'm sorry that I can't even remember to write or call like I should, and that I forget important things. Tami, I love you. Jared and Tristan, though you can't even read this, you two mean the world to me, and though you can frustrate me, I love you more than myself, and I'm so very very glad I have you.

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