Couches are dangerous places...

~Tuesday, Aug. 06, 2002~

Today was the last day, for a bit anyway, of training and the schedule from the Netherworld. And today was the only one in the training set that was of any importance, really. It dealt with chemical, biological and radiological warfare, chem suits, how to properly put them on and wear them, etc. We went through it, than were issued suits and actually put on training suits to make sure we knew the proper way to do it. Interesting in a macabre sort of way.

And that we had the training concerns me some as well. I've been in for over 9 years and this is the first time I've had it, let alone been issued a suit. Which tells me that the concern for some sort of attack is rather high. But what concerns me more is what about my boys? Should anything happen, they have no protection what so ever, and that scares me more than if I were contaminated by anything... They're so much more important to me than I am...

I really don't know what I'd do without these two little guys. Though, at times, they push me to my wits end, and drive me bonkers, they're pretty close to my whole world right now. I love them so much I feel like I'd be lost without them. Even with all the launches onto me from the arm of the couch and the bruises that ensue... They're my darlings and I love them with my life.

John's mom has to go to court today and I hope that the judge asks her her opinion. A child's welfare is at stake, and the parents can't be nice to each other for the child's sake. That really makes me sick. Don't they realize that what they do to each other, they do to the child? Don't they realize that what they call each other effects the child's self-esteem and self-worth? Children deserve so much more than we, as adults, give them.

And, sadly, I'm no better. My boys deserve my best, and my all, and there are so many times, especially of late, when I feel like I haven't given them that. Even if I'm drop dead tired, which I have been this past week or so, they deserve 100% of what I can give at any moment. Maybe that's an unrealistic expectation for myself, but that's how I feel, and that's what I'd like to be able to give them. After all, they are my children, and I love them with every breath I have in me.

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