18 DAYS!!!

~Dec. 19, 2002~

I was just sitting here, waiting for the data to update so I can download it, so I started counting out the actual days until Frank leaves. And I realized that I was off. By 4 days! In 18 days and a wakeup, I'll be taking him to the airport to end this lovely little visit.

Tommy and Justin, the two guys I work with at the moment think it's sad that I'm more excited about that than I am about the fact that I'm going on leave in 8 days. The 8 days, though, just means that I'll not be coming to work and will be hanging out elsewhere rather than at home.

There are plans to go to Venice in the works, though. Just have to work out the finer details and the dates. The dates are what's going to be the toughest, though. Seems everyone has days they have to "check in" and let their commands know that they're still alive at the worst possible times, really. Me, I'll be on leave. Otherwise known as vacation. And I'm quite happy about that.

The boys seem to be alright with Frank. I'm sure they don't fully understand that he is their father, and I don't think they'll understand that for awhile yet, but the do know that he is daddy. That's what they're calling him, though I have my own ideas on his "purpose" in their lives. He's their father, but he certainly hasn't proven himself worthy of being called daddy, as far as I'm concerned. Still, they're well, and unhurt. I've been checking on that daily.

I miss them, though. I was supposed to have them yesterday, as he had been planning on going to Pompeii and Vesuvius, but it was raining, so those plans got cancelled. He than asked if I'd leave the boys with him so that he'd have them, since he wasn't going anywhere. I was a bit surprised by his asking, so said alright. The new plan is for Monday, and as long as he doesn't say the names, which we've found out through Kim's planning to go there is a jinx on the weather, he should be able to go. I told him, though, regardless, I want the boys.

They've been asking for Craig, from what I understand. Asking for me, Craig and Kim, actually. When I'm around, though, they ask for him most. Wanting to know where he is, if he's at home, wanting to play with him. Though it makes me feel good that they're asking, I also feel...guilty maybe? Though I'm not quite sure that's exactly right either. I don't know. It feels right and wrong at the same time.

I'm just really mixed about this whole thing with Frank. I'm trying not to be hideous to him, but everytime I'm around him, it makes my skin crawl, and I feel like I'm climbing the walls just to get away from him. Yet at the same time, it appears to be that he's trying to be a decent person, though he does have his slip ups. I know what he's done, I know what he's capable of, and I have my misgivings about his ability to change. Though that was before the accident. Could he have realized what he's been doing and realized that it was wrong? Part of me says yes, but than if that was the case, wouldn't he admit to all the crap he pulled during the divorce? Wouldn't he admit to trying to take the boys from me, either legally or otherwise? And he denies that, as well as denying all the stuff he called me. So how could he have changed?

Or am I just dwelling too much on the past? Don't I owe it to the boys to try and believe him and be a bit more open-minded about all of this?

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