Dear X - Secrets

~Nov. 10, 2002~

Dear X,

I've been needing to talk to you for awhile now, but can't ever seem to figure out what to say, or how to say it. It's not an easy thing for me to say, but it is something that's necessary. I've kept it secret for far too long, and it's eating at me slowly.

Yet at the same time, I'm afraid that if I tell you my dirty little secret, you look at me with shame and disgust. Regretting that you ever had me, if you don't regret it already...

I've always known that you were prouder of T than of me. And A always was into something, so I was sort of pushed to the background. And that's where I stayed. Hidden and unwanted.

At least, that's how it felt to me... I was always wondering where I fit in to your ideas of what a daugther should be. And I always felt like I came up lacking. Always. Yet you'd tell people that of the three of us, it was me you were closest to. Sure it was. I was the one that you turned to when you needed to cry. When you needed cleaning up after a night of binge drinking. When you needed to feel like you weren't a bad person.

How old was I? 13? 14? Maybe older, maybe younger? I don't know. Yet you expected, and needed me to be the grown-up. And I did it. I comforted you, stroked your hair, wiped your mouth and tucked you into bed when things got rough.

I'd go in to my room, and cry myself to sleep. Do you know why? I doubt it. Because than you'd know my secret. But I'm going to tell you that anyway, because I've held it in far too long....

I hate you for that. You took from me what precious little was left of my youth, and I'll never forgive that. You made me be the strong one when you were the adult. You made me comfort you when it should have been me crying.

I know I'll never be able to tell you, but at least having said it I can begin to move away from it. And maybe, just maybe, we can have a visit where I don't end up being the grown up and you the child. I can only hope...

� ? Dear X # �

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