I don't hate him

~Oct. 05, 2002~

How very odd that actually sounds to me.

Frank called tonight to talk to the boys. He's started doing that again, after a nine month lapse where there was little to no contact at all. Well, none between him and them, and very very little between he and I. When I answered the phone, I knew it was him, as I always do, but this time, there wasn't that sinking feeling I used to get when I had to talk to him.

I also didn't tense up when we were talking. It was actually quite amicable. And it still feels odd. We actually talked like two adult human beings. And he talked with the boys, though for a very short time with Jared, he didn't have much to say, and than Tristan hung up on him. That actually made me laugh, as it's the second time the little guys done that.

I'm not sure if I've forgiven him for what he's done, but I don't hold it against him anymore, I guess. At least, not what he did that affected me. I learned some important lessons while with him, and, as always, I had to learn them the hard way.

Has he changed? I don't know. Only time will tell. I hope he has, though. I don't think I could bare not being around the boys, and knowing I've missed so much. I want him to know them, and them him, but not if he's still as he was. Not if he hasn't changed. He'd hurt them if he hasn't changed, and that I'll never allow.

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