Why can't they just accept it?

~Jul. 02, 2003~

I have depression. This is a medical fact. I have been diagnosed with it, and have been prescribed medication to control it. It is not a situational thing, it is the actual chemical imbalance inside me. Period.

I also have OCD. I have been diagnosed with that as well, and use the same medication to control it as well. This, though not fully situational, can be exacerbated by the situation and my stress level.

Add to that an anxiety disorder. Again, medically diagnosed with it, and again, being treated with meds.

Add to that a disorder, though not 100% sure what, that makes me more prone to higher levels of stress than your average person, no matter what I do.

Add to that having inherited from my mother the tendency to worry about EVERYTHING!

I don�t have a therapist, though I know it would be good to have one. There aren�t that many qualified ones in the military, and it takes an act of the Gods to get to see them. But I have been diagnosed with all the above, and than some. So why is it so difficult for my family to realize that it�s not something that will change just from moving away from here???

My mom seems to think that as soon as I leave Italy and get back to the states that I�ll be better, and get �out of the funk� that I seem to be in. My younger sister thinks that if I �find Christ� things will be better and my older sister thinks that once I get out of the Navy I�ll be better. I�ve tried to make them all realize that none of these things will change the problem. The problem isn�t the situation, as they all seem to think. The problem is chemical. Funniest part is that my mom has also been diagnosed with depression and is also on meds. Now isn�t that a hoot...

Than there�s J. Wonderful, lovable, supportive, deluded J. He understands that it�s a medical condition, but at the same time seems to think that he should be enough to make things better. Well, he is in some regards. But not on the chemical aspect of it all. There�s not much that will actually change that.

Yes, he helps with calming down my life and he�s helping to disburse some of the worries that I have, and he helps where and when and how he can. He just�I don�t know. I don�t want to say that he just doesn�t get it, �cause I think that he does. But at the same time he�s powerless to change the base problem, the base issue, and I think that bothers him. I can see that. But until I can work through my own issues, I can�t help anyone deal with them any better.

He and I talked about it, though, and I think he�s beginning to understand more. He said that he�s seen the fluxuation in both my behavior and personality when I�m having problems. With the way he described it, though, it sounded more like he was describing the cycles of someone that�s bi-polar. I didn�t think I was that bad, but I could be wrong. My grandfather was just recently diagnosed as bi-polar, though I don�t know how hereditary it is. I don�t think I am. In fact I�m almost positive I�m not. I just need to find my center and my peace and work to maintain it. Maybe than I can work on moving past the need for the meds. And maybe by than I can get my family to realize it�s not just a funk...

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