Playing family...

~Nov. 06, 2002~

Frank called last night. He was, once again, late. But than that's his story, isn't it? A day late, a dollar short. Too little too late. Well, it's "official" now. He's coming out in December, on the 13th. I'm already beginning to feel the oppresion of it. And he's got no set ticket back.

Now, why would he not have a ticket back? Is he thinking that I'm going to welcome him with open arms, after spending 2 years being second best to pot? That I'm going to welcome him into my bed when he found me disgusting while I was pregnant? That I'm going to be able to tolerate his bullshit for as long as he seems to be hoping? Well, I've got news for him, it ain't gonna happen.

I flat out told him that during the time he was here, I would up and leave. Go elsewhere and get a much needed break myself. His response to that? "Well, I was hoping that we could take a day trip or something like that to Rome, of Amalfia..." Like he thinks we're going to be a family? Or even play at it??? Yea, um, can we say not just no, but HELL NO!

He has no clue what he put me through with his bullshit antics during the divorce. Sending me images of men standing on street corne's wearing billboads that say "I am not a paycheck" Well no shit, asshole! I've already got one of those, and sort of wanted to keep it, which is why I got rid of you! DUH! And hell, what does he think $200 a month can get? That doesn't even cover all the damned diapers and wipes I buy each month for the boys. Threatening to take them legally from me, and when that didn't work, threatening to steal them. Trying to have me declared an unfit mother because of my religion! At least I have one, dumbass.

All those night when I had nightmares and would wake up to rush into the boys room and make sure they were still there, only to fall asleep and have the same dream again. All those times I was afraid to open the door thinking it would be someone intent on taking them from me, or me from them. All the hate mail, and the viciousness with which he and his mom attacked me and my folks. All the lies, all the deceit. All the broken promises, and the words said in angry or jest that weren't lies. All the times when I needed the support of someone that cared about me at least as much as they cared about themselves... And now it seems like he's trying to worm his way back in to our lives, and play at being a family. It's not going to work.

You can't hurt me anymore, except through the boys, and you know that. But there's no way you can turn them against me. None. And eventually, they'll know you for who, and what you really are, and make their own decisions about the man that is their father. That screamed in Tristan's face when he wouldn't eat. That would leave Jared screaming in his own shit so he could play on the computer. That told them both he "fucking hated feeding them". That told their mother she had no place to call him on that, than proceeded to strong arm her into giving him his way.

They'll know. And eventually, they'll hate you for it. Because you'll never change. Ever. It always was about you first, and it always will be. About what you want, about you being able to smoke your oh so fucking precious dope. About you losing your job and family because of it, and caring so much, you hopped on the first plane out.

You disgust me, Frank. Completely and thouroughly. You're a sad excuse for a man, and an even sadder excuse for a father. But I want you to know what you're missing. I want you to know what a precious joy those two angels you gave me can be. What a delight it is to have them run up to you at the end of a long day, having them screaming "Mommy!" and grinning from ear to ear, and that simple act making everything better. I want you to know the feel of their hugs and kisses. The sound of their laughter. The way their eyes crinkle up and sparkle beyond all belief when they smile.

And than I'm going to take that away from you. You'll never have it like you want it. Never. You were the one that fucked up, and you will have to pay the price. And you're price will be never knowing them fully, or being in their lives like you want to be. To know that for once, you will be second place, so that they will never have to be. Such is the price for your crime. I truly hope it was worth it.

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