Don't ever have kids...

~Friday, Jul. 05, 2002~

I've only been up 3 hours, and already my day is going badly. The only good thing about it so far was chatting with John, but he's gone to bed now, so there goes that.

The boys, or maybe more specifically Tristan, broke the DVD player. After I had just punished him for opening the door it's behind in the first place. Somehow he jammed another dvd into it and it wouldn't close, or rotate, and it was only half open at that point. I got the discs out, so at least there's that, and I think I got it back on the track, but now it won't open at all. sighs

Than there's the whole potty thing. Jared wants to learn to use it, but he'll go in there, and do nothing for 5-10 minutes. And during that time, he'll get off, play in the bathroom, wander out to the living room, yell at me to go back to the couch, and than he'll fight like hell when I try to put a diaper back on him. Did this today, and now I have a nice bruise on my ribs.

I swear, this is one of those days where I wonder why I wanted, and actually had kids. I don't think I was ready for them, and I wonder if I'll actually make it through this endeavor and still be sane and have decent kids. I just don't know.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could get a break every so often, or if I had some help, but I don't. And I'm just so tired of being the strong one. When do I get to have someone to lean on? When do I get to just sit and cry and be held? When do I get to be taken care of? Not anytime in the near future, that's for sure...

I don't feel like a normal person anymore. I feel like my whole life is wrapped up in those two little boys. Like I don't have an identity beyond mommy. And I've started to wonder if that's all there really is to me.

I'm going to go lock myself in the bathroom and take a shower. During that time I'm going to try and change my frame of mind, and try to salvage what's left of the day, since there's a good bit remaining. Than later I'll take the boys to get their haircut, and maybe that will help as well. Oh, Aset, how I could use a bit more strength right now...

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