My eyes hurt, these excersizes are going to kill me yet I'm still excited as hell!

~Jul. 03, 2003~

Well, I got word yesterday from the breeder that her dog is, in fact, pregnant. The vet confirmed it the other day. This made me really happy. Until the reality that there may well be a waiting list from hell for one of the pups. So I wrote her back and asked, and low and behold, there wasn't one! I got that email today, and about peed myself, I was so happy! Still am, really... So now she and I will start discussing the details about my getting my Glen! I'm thrilled!

I don't know when I've ever wanted something as much as wanting this little dog. Except for wanting the boys, but that's a bit different, really. So I'm all excited and the girls working for me are excited for me. I figure I'll tell J this, though I knew he wouldn't be as thrilled as me, but I really wasn't expecting how un-thrilled he'd be. *sighs* His whole deal is that it will cost a bit, but than what did he expect from a pure bred dog that's a rare breed to boot? It almost, almost put a damper on my mood.

Right now, though, my eyes feel like they're about to pop out of my head. I feel like I'm going cross-eyed. I spent most of the day, in between the few tasks I had to do where I was looking at the computer screen than as well, catching up on how Jenn's been doing. I think I need a giant screen sized magnifying glass or something. My eyes just don't seem to be what they used to. And I'm not even that old! Bah!

Well, I'm about halfway through one of the books I ordered on therapeutic journaling. This one has excersizes at the end of each chapter, but said it was alright to read the whole book first, than go back and do them. In just looking at some of them I know they're not going to be easy. Not in the least. But this is something that I've decided to do, and I've committed myself to it. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have just committed myself. Just writing about the fears is going to be rough.

But this is something I have to do. I'm tired of being trapped inside the world that my father started to build and Dan completed. I'm tired of the irrational feelings that rip through me when I do something that a normal person can do without batting an eye. (And this is my definition of normal, which isn't how I view myself.)

I've lived the last 28 years or so in fear of something. I haven't always known what it was, infact most times I didn't know. On the rare occasion that I did know, it was worse than not knowing. I want to get rid of that fear. I want to move past it and accept myself as I am and maybe change some of the things that I can. IF I feel like it.

Most of my childhood I don't remember. A fair portion of the memories I have are because I've been told things so often they're now part of my memory banks. A couple that I've had have not been pleasent in the least. Here lately, over the past few months, I've actually been having some of those black spots open and some memories are coming back. Gods, from what I've remembered so far, I wish they would stay hidden. But I know that in order to fully move on, I may well have to remember everything. And I think that's what scares me the most. That when I finally remember everything, I will lose everything as well.

But at the same time, if I lose everything, than I would have everything to gain, wouldn't I? But there is quite a bit I don't want to lose. Guess I need to find the middle ground somewhere...

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